Often, there is this misconception that conflict is unhealthy. However, even the healthiest couples will have their ups and downs, experiencing various emotions, from happiness to excitement to anger and frustration and everything in between.
It is essential to understand that conflict in relationships is not the problem but how it’s managed that causes a breakdown. Conflict becomes unhealthy if a couple cannot resolve it, repair it, or find they are bumping up against the same issues over and over, creating resentment, lack of emotional safety, or other related feelings that negatively impact the relationship.
Some couples can solve their problems independently, while others are unable. Therefore, seeking a couples counselor who can provide you with the insight and tools that can help improve your relationship can make the difference between feeling your relationship is not working, to feeling it thrive again.
Your investment in couples therapy can be the difference between your relationship being healthier or continuing down an unhealthy path.
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What is Couples Counseling?
When conflicts have reached an unhealthy state, there is a breakdown in communication, unresolved trust issues, or feelings of resentment. Couples counseling can help individuals express their emotions and have vulnerable conversations without obstacles.
A counselor can provide an unbiased reflection on what is going on in the couple dynamic as well as work to help find insights, self-awareness, and tools to navigate areas that are challenging in your relationship.
Couples counseling consists of a licensed therapist (LMFTA, LMFT, LMHCA, LMHC, PsyD, LSCW) working with both individuals in the same room to improve their relationship. One type of counselor that has had specific training in working with couples is Marriage and Family therapists (LMFTA, LMFT). However, many therapists outside of marriage and family therapists can also work with you as a couple.
Reasons to Seek Couples Counseling
Couples often come into therapy struggling to understand where their problems began or what triggered them in the first place. Through time, it eventually leads to compiled arguments, and now they are at a loss with how to resolve the issue.
Unresolved issues will significantly impact any relationship. Still, it can also lead to work-related matters and daily functioning, create mental unwellness or cause adverse effects if children are involved. Therefore, managing these problems when you notice them can often put your relationship back on the right track instead of continuing down a path that the relationship has growing unresolved issues.
Some signs that indicate counseling may be needed
- Infidelity
- Lack of intimacy
- Repeated and unresolved arguments
- Intense anger and uncontrollable shouting matches
- Decreased functioning at home or work
- Substance abuse
- Mental health struggles
- Financial issues
- Parenting challenges and conflict
- Family problems
- Abuse of any kind
- Opposing political or religious beliefs
The Benefits of Couples Counseling
Couples counseling is essential for several reasons: improving relationships through proper communication and anger management skills, learning to problem-solve, building practical coping skills, and managing conflict more effectively.
Counseling can help you build mutual trust, better understand one another, teach forgiveness, openness, and honesty, and reduce stress. Online couples counseling can also help you gain tools and insights into how to navigate communication better with your partner and minimize unhealthy escalations in the future.
What to Expect During Couples Counseling
The process of not knowing what to expect in counseling can be intimidating. However, you don’t have to go it alone.
A counselor will ensure a safe environment, and you will work together as a team.
Here is what to expect during an initial visit:
- Assessment: The session involves interviewing each partner to understand the situation better. A therapist will address the couple’s ongoing issues and see how they manage and cope. Often a therapist may sense questionnaires or assessment-type surveys to you as part of their “intake” documentation.
- Therapeutic Timeframe: The couple and therapist will decide on the frequency of sessions and duration needed to obtain their goal. If you feel your relationship is in a crisis where conflict is happening more than is comfortable, weekly may be most appropriate. If you’re looking for more of a tune-up, you can go bi-weekly or monthly even. It depends on your needs and what the therapist thinks would be most therapeutic for you.
- Therapy Goals: The couple and therapist will talk through what your specific goals are for the relationship and couples therapy and work to keep the general focus of sessions moving in the direction of your goals.
What are Therapeutic Techniques?
Upon further sessions, a counselor will use various therapeutic techniques specific to the couple’s needs and goals.
For example, a counselor might work with the couple on reflective listening – actively listening to what the other person is saying to connect more effectively. Or, the counselor might work with them to identify maladaptive coping patterns causing their attachment issues. The counselor is working to understand what patterns are happening underneath the content of the tension or issues to help address underlying ways of behaving and interacting.
Can Therapy Improve Your Relationship?
Although it may be hard to see the light when your relationship is struggling, you are not alone. Going through difficulties is unpleasant but doesn’t mean the relationship is unsalvageable.
The problems you’ve had as a couple didn’t happen overnight; therefore, it will take some time to repair. Ups and downs will occur, and there may be periodic setbacks, but it is not hopeless.
Couples therapy can bring you closer than you have been before by understanding each other better, communicating more effectively, and having empathy for each other’s lived experiences and perspectives.
Final Note
Sometimes we forget why we fell in love in the first place when experiencing challenging situations as a couple. However, your relationship can significantly improve through therapy and working together. You can build a more trusting bond, a greater appreciation for each other, and a renewed commitment with the proper counseling techniques. So, why not give it a go?
Resources:
- Active Listening: Techniques, Benefits, Examples (verywellmind.com)
- Couples Therapy: Definition, Techniques, and Efficacy (verywellmind.com)
- Relationship Tune-Up | Talk. Heal. Thrive – Therapy (talkhealthrive.com)
- The Ways We love (erindtherapy.com)
Lindsey Ferris, MS, LMFTA, Washington State
Talk. Heal. Thrive. therapist Lindsey Ferris is based out of Seattle, Washington working with clients via online couples therapy.